I remember after birthing William on February 15, 2024 he was placed on my chest. His eyes were so stunning, his cheeks perfect. He was twitching and even smiling a little here and there. It made me want to just tell the new family that I couldn't go through with it. I told myself the lie that I couldn't be seen as a terrible mom to another child and did not want to let another child see my flaws.
After they took him to the NICU, I remember seeing the adoptive parents. The nurse came in and gave them their NICU bands and they began to cry and prayed for me as they walked out of that door to meet their son.
I lost it.
I have never in my life been so hurt or just completely broken.
I know that he will get opportunities now that I could have never given him. I know that he will have a good set of parents that weren’t addicted to anything or just weren't that churchy type.
I would say I haven't really had a good experience with my adoption. I do get pictures every month for the first year. While I do receive monthly pictures for the first year, it’s hard to not be the one taking care of him, watching him grow. Sometimes I wonder if he’ll ever hate me or think that I didn’t want him. But, God knows that if I could have kept him, I would have. That pain hasn’t gone away since he left my chest. Forever a piece of me is gone and I don't know how that will ever be filled etc. Love you William!
