It’s been almost 6 years since I placed my sweet daughter into the arms of the woman she would call “mommy." Since that day, I’ve felt immense amounts of sorrow, and yet tremendous joy.
My daughter lives a full and happy life full of love and laughter. She is adored by all in her life, she is the center of their world. She is extremely smart, funny, and full of life. She has opinions and ideas as big as the sky and her smile can light up any room. I see so much of me in her, and it brings me comfort.
Her parents have kept every single promise they made to me at the beginning of this journey. I have seen her every year since she was born. Sometimes it’s just me, and I go visit her and her family. Sometimes I take my family and we all meet at a halfway point for a few days. Those are the moment when I am in pure bliss. The times I feel complete. I also get pictures, videos, and FaceTime calls.
They always find a way to include me in her life. She knows who I am, she knows she grew in my belly.
I think she is still too young to fully understand the depth of my love for her, but I know as she grows there will be no doubt in her mind that she is the center of my world too.
Getting to watch her grow into the strong little girl she has become has been such a wonderful experience. I have never had a single doubt that I did the right thing by her.
In just 13 short days, she will be in my arms again. Her mom is bringing her back to my state for the first time since she was born. They are coming to celebrate my graduation from nursing school. For her mom to bring her here for me means so much. It’s a gesture that shows that they love me too, and that they want to support me. There aren’t words to describe how that feels. I can’t wait to show her the place I grew up.
I want to take her to all the places that are special to me. I want to show her the place she was born and the place I went to when I was sad, when it was just me and her, and she was kicking me gently in my tummy.
I was also adopted. I always wondered if my birth mother had places like that.
If there were places, she would still go when she missed me and wanted to feel close. I have never met her, and I am doubtful I ever will. But in a strange way, I’m grateful to be able to see it on the other side. To grow a child inside of you, to constantly worry about them, and to love them with every piece of you. And to use everything you have to bring them into the world safely, and then to give them to someone else to love and shelter them because all you want is a life for them that you could never give, it’s like ripping your heart out of your body and yet continuing to breathe. No matter what, you can never forget them. They have a piece of you, forever.
I know she loves me. I know she has never forgotten about me. I know she sits at a window somewhere and looks up at the endless sky and thinks of me. The same way I think of her. The same way I think of my daughter.
Lydia shared her adoption story with us. Read it here.
