Leading up to my daughter’s birth, I was so nervous. I knew placing her for adoption was the right decision for me and for my baby. I also knew it was going to be very difficult, physically and emotionally.
I was terrified as I thought about going through the labor and delivery. As a petite 16-year-old, I worried that my body wouldn’t be able to handle it and I was afraid of how much physical pain I would be in. As my due date drew closer, my doctor realized I had pre-eclampsia and explained how my baby was under a lot of stress. After hearing this, I no longer cared how much pain I would be in. I was only worried about her and was very anxious to have her delivered so she would be safe.
My entire perspective had changed. Previously, my biggest worries were what brand of jeans I would wear or who was going to ask me to prom.
I soon became less concerned about what I wore on the outside and more focused on the little angel I was carrying on the inside. I couldn’t believe how much I had grown up over the last 9 months!
As a concerned mother, I was willing to do anything to help my child, even if it caused me a lot of pain and heartache. After she arrived safely, I was able to spend 3 heavenly days holding my daughter in my arms. Those are memories I will always hold dear. I loved her so much! She was everything to me, and I didn’t want to let her go. But, I knew it was time to say our goodbyes. After placing my precious little one in the arms of her loving family, one that I had carefully chosen, I quickly left the room. The tears came almost immediately. I was heartbroken. I already missed her more than words can express. I cried all the way home from the adoption agency and went straight to my room where I would spend many more hours, days, weeks, and months in tears. My dear mother spent many nights awake, comforting her own daughter while mourning the loss of her one and only granddaughter.
It was a very difficult time for our family. However, we were able to find bits and pieces of comfort and peace along the way. We grew closer together as a family and with God, knowing that He was there helping us and watching over her at the same time. I savored every letter and picture I received from her adoptive family where I could see her grow and blossom under their care. I have so much love and gratitude for them for being such amazing parents for her.
She deserved the best and that is what she has received.
Over the years, although our correspondence gradually decreased (that is how we originally planned it), my love for my daughter has continued to grow and I have thought about her often. For the most part, the heartache from years ago has healed. On most days, when I think about her or look at her photos, I feel so much joy and peace. However, about once a year, usually around her birthday, I allow myself to think about how much I miss her and I still feel that loss from all those years ago. Those memories are still painful if I dwell on them. Even now as I write this story, it is difficult not to get caught up in the sadness, but I instead choose to focus on the joy. I have so much to be grateful for. I was blessed to be a part of her life, even for a short time.
Those experiences, though difficult, have shaped my life and made me who I am today.
Even though our journeys have taken us on separate paths, I still hold onto hope that our paths will meet again one day…and what a joyous day that will be!
Emily is now married to a loving and supportive husband. They both are incredibly grateful to be raising 5 amazing children who have added so much joy and adventure to their lives. She loves spending time with her family, reading, singing, and writing music.... She wrote this song for her daughter in hopes that it may bring hope and healing to those who hear it.
